Saturday, March 06, 2010 For some unknown reason (Ukrainian logic is a very special thing) Ukrainians open bananas from the other end. The end without a 'tab'
I wonder what monkey-brains below would say about that?
Also, I discovered recently that Blogger.com will stop supporting FTP this month so, if bearder.com falls silent, don't despair - I'll find a solution. I just have to write my thesis first...
Eddy
Randomness
Thursday, February 18, 2010 1. I got the following email today from a 'Hospitality Club' member called David.
"Hello I bearder,
I am David from Kenya and I have a son called Ian. Please welcome and visit us in Nairobi - Kenya and we will host you with my family.
David N."
It's a tenuous link David but thanks for the offer - I'll bare it in mind ...although I can't quite work out if you're genuine or the nicest most indirect Kenya-finance-spammer I've ever heard from.
2. Baby Nova. The worlds most pathetic pint-sized pant washer
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Here she is - all 2 centimetres of German washing power. So much machine for such a little wash load
On the subject of odd-sized things, on the Metro home tonight in Kiev there was a small girl, actually woman (she was about 20) just very small, not like a midget but small and she was drinking the biggest 3 or 4 litre carton of Orange juice I've ever seen. I don't have a photo but imagine me drinking from a suitcase and you get the idea... quite strange.
3. Don't look up
As the mega-freeze starts to melt here in Kiev, life has become doubly-dangerous. Whilst walking on the ice, you now run the risk of being impaled by falling ice javelins. Look-up and you'll slip over, look down and you can take an icicle in the head. Nice. Tomorrow I will slide to work on my back.
The Slovene 'worn-out thirty year old' person
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 I was reading a European Union 'Regional Development' magazine last month and was pleasantly (and amusingly) surprised to see an advert for Velenje where, apparently, they 'expect me with 'pleasure'
...all 33,000 of them.
However, despite their bold efforts - there's only one Slovenian name that's important for me this month - and that's Gorenje. For anyone that doesn't know (I'm guessing that's most of you) Gorenje produce the world famous Gorenje domestic appliances. And now I have one. A shiny new 'Black Jack' Gorenje Vacuum cleaner with 1300 watts of Slovene sucking power. So, I may not be able to drink Lasko or shop at Mecartor but, my appartment is now cleaner than your average Slovene's car ...and that's seriously clean!
Actually, I'm surprised Slovenians can find time to clean their cars because, most of them are screwed-up and exhausted by the age of 30. It's true, look - I read about it in an academic review of Slovenia's recent history...
"Another economic weakness is that the workforce is relatively old and young people don't get enough opportunities. Slovenian work legislation allows employers to use alternative ways of employing people and has created a new social phenomenon - a 'worn-out thirty year old' person. The use of short term contracts and self-employed by the young is so extensive as to create a substantial proportion of young people with years of working experience, little or none of which is traditional, long term, full time jobs... while more than sixty percent of Slovenes nowadays start University when they are nineteen, only 5.9% of twenty-six year olds have finished."
'Google-image search 'thirty year old slovene' and this is what you get. See what I mean!! Totally worn-out.
So please, if you're feeling a little tired and run-down, please think of the Slovene thirty year-olds. They need your help. I'm even worried that I spent so long there - maybe I will wear out!?
Actually, whilst I laughed at this, the author does have some good points in his article. Labour laws in Slovenia advantage students (and the Studentski services Mafia) to such an extent that finishing your studies is, largely, economically unviable. It may also be a contributing factor in another trend that he identifies and that's the relative unwillingness of Slovene's to leave Slovenia. Personally, I'd attribute that to the fact that Slovenia is actually something close to paradise but that's a longer story.
Eddy.
PS. I am painfully aware that in writing this I firstly admitted to reading 'regional development magazines' and secondly boasted about my vacuum. To make things worse, I have to admit to feeling pleased with myself for discovering that Velenje is (by coincidence) home to the head office of Gorenje! ...OK, I'll shut up...
If it wasn't so shitty outside - I'd get out more
Torvill, Eddy, Robbin Hood and crazy rich people...
Monday, February 15, 2010 I've successfully executed so many Torvill and Dean-esque 'ice moves' on the way to work this week, it's a wonder that I'm not representing the UK in Vancouver!
Actually, I didn't come here to complain but, whilst the following article is quite amusing (rightly or wrongly - everyone loves it when bad things happen to stupidly rich people) I also sighed with dispair after reading it: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8517272.stm
I mean, really - what the hell?
Who, except a complete and utter brain-dead moron (or the daughter of one) would travel with $6 million worth of jewels in their bag? and why? and who needs that amount of jewellery anyway? Maybe she exaggerated to grab headlines? or to try and impress her Oligarch friends? I don't know but the sad thing is, given the insane wealth of some Ukrainians - it could be true, and that's where it gets annoying.
I'm not complaining because I'm jealous (although I would like $6 million) but, I'm skating around Kiev because the city council (yes the one run by her father) can't get its act together and perform even the most basic of City Council services like - clearing ice, snow, sludge and water from the city streets. In fact, the same City Council couldn't even find the money to remove a flipping Christmas tree from the main square in Kiev!
Yet, whilst most Ukrainians are literally sliding around on their arses - Mr Cosmos's daughter is swanning around Paris with $6 million in her bag!
The world is a messed-up place.
I suppose, at least this time it's the rich being robbed not vice-versa. Maybe the attack was carried out by a Parisian 'prince of thieves' in red white and blue tights...
So, Mr Cosmos, maybe you'd like to 'consult the moon' and ask the fairies to clean Kontractova Polosha. If you do that, I'll keep my eyes open for your daughters lost booty... deal?
What’s on Kiev?
Saturday, February 13, 2010 One of the best things about being English speaking in any non-English speaking part Europe is the readily available English language press. From Iceland to Moldova you can pickup newspapers, guides and menus in something close to English. Ukraine (or at least Kiev) is no exception and actually has some pretty decent publications. The Kiev Post is the most comprehensive and freely available paper but it’s a little heavy on the politics. I mean, I studied European Politics but the Kiev Post even bores me with it’s cover-to-cover politics. Yes, this place has problems and yes, it’s election time but 3 articles per week on the Orange ‘revolution’ is a little excessive. So, for some sharp wit and blunt but honest journalism I suggest readers also pick up the weekly ‘What’s on’ guide. The Editor, a Scot called Neil Campbell usually kicks of with some amusing and intelligent commentary and as well as telling you where you should be all week, it also has a bunch of good article on local life.
Here’s the opening article from the 02/2010 edition, published without permission from ‘What’s on Kiev’ …I hope they don’t sue me.
"So the second round of the presidential elections are looming, and the whole nation is stuck between a rock and a hard place. While it seems abhorrent that Yanukovych could become the president of this great nation, it seems likely now that he will. And the alternative – the woman who shone like the nation’s angel only 5 years ago – has now proven that in all actuality she’s not much better. If I were able to vote here, I have to say I would find it very hard to choose between the two. I couldn’t in good conscience vote for either of them, and the only thing that would force my hand in favour of Tymoshenko would be just to keep Yanukovych and his Russian-leaning oligarchs out. This thought was somewhat reinforced recently, when a Ukrainian friend told me he was going to vote for Tymoshenko because he would be embarrassed to have Yanukovych as the head of state.
Quick-witted as I am, it didn’t take me long to figure out exactly what he was meaning. There’s no doubt Yanukovych will do well with the Russians, mainly because he will simply do what they tell him. But could you imagine him sitting down for intricate negotiations with Obama, Brown or Sarkozy? That would just be embarrassing. I mean, I know there was a time when drunken oafs ran this part of the world (from Stalin all the way through to Brezhnev and beyond) but that time has surely passed. Surely there’s no way the great people of Ukraine can be represented to the nations of the world by this gormless gorilla – the man who will be drunkenly handing out sweeties to other heads of state at solemn ceremonies, and whom, if ever hit by an egg again, will be so inebriated he will mistake the soft impact for that of a speeding bullet and collapse comatose on the ground. It would be an injustice for the Ukrainian people to have him as their global representative. The people of this country are intelligent and articulate, and they have the right to a head of state who is the same. Yanukovych is neither. Tymoshenko may be many things, in fact she is many things, and you wouldn’t use the word ‘good’ to describe most of them, but as least she is presentable, sober (mostly, we think), articulate and intelligent. Even if it’s only for the reason of how either would make the country look to the outside world, Tymoshenko has to be the better bet."
Neil Campbell
Chief Editor
neil@whatson-kiev.com
See: What's on Kiev for more.
PS, I realise that I just complained about too much politics in the Kiev Post and then posted a political article from What's on but whatever, I'm grateful to both of them.
Life with...
Thursday, February 11, 2010 My ‘Western Standard’ Apartment
I love this phrase. ‘Western’ is often used in Ukraine as a synonym for many things; ‘Good’. ‘Modern’, ‘High-quality’, ‘Non Corrupt’, ‘Functioning’ and (basically) ‘desirable’. Essentially what it means is – ‘works ok’ or ‘isn’t Ukrainian’. So, whilst my ‘western standard’ apartment isn’t much like anything I’ve seen in the ‘West’ (for many reasons) it is comfortable and has plenty of ‘working stuff’. This includes hot water, a toilet, a shower/bath, fridge/freezer, a washing machine and warmish radiators. The power sockets work and so do most of the lights. It even has a gas oven and 4 gas hobs although, so far, I’ve only been brave enough to use the one on the front left. The others have ‘gas explosion’ written all over them. I have a balcony, a wardrobe, plenty of space and a bed and combined, they add up to make a pretty decent living space.
Baby Nova
Measuring about 1 foot by 2 feet – Baby Nova, my washing machine (and yes it’s the real name) is possibly the most pathetic piece of household electronics I’ve ever seen. It also leaks, continues to ‘wash’ with the door open and so far, I haven’t worked out from the strange pictures how to get a hot (even warm) wash. However, I’ve grown strangely attached to it. There’s something endearing about its shitness and the way it wobbles like a wounded R2D2 for hours in an attempt to wash my pants. I’m under no illusion that it’s quicker or better than washing them in the sink but I’m giving up. As long as Baby nova spins, I’ll provide the dirty laundry to fill it.
'Owner'
My landlord or ‘owner’ as he’s commonly referred to in these parts is also, like Baby Nova, a likeable (if slightly annoying and useless) disaster. He’s friendly, resourceful (yes I mean tight-fisted) and happy to repeat the 7 words of English he knows but he keeps turning up drunk and breaking things. He managed to fix the light the other day but in doing so he set fire to my extractor fan, said 'fire' in English and then vanished. Sheesh...
Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watchaaaaaa
This is either a boy-scouts wet-dream OR the most annoying song ever produced - without exception.
I listened to Timmy Mallet 'itsy bitsy teeny weenie' just to be sure - but this wins...
rum tum tum a rum tum tum....
apparently (and this is true) at one point they are singing about 'young mums' as (for various reasons) they are the best. ...maybe this IS a boy-scout anthem after all
The big chill
Kiev in the cold. I lost 3 fingers to frost-bite taking these pictures...
Check out the crazy dude with an Axe!
Now, I don't have much experience with standing on frozen rivers but before I attempted it last week a voice deep within my soul said "go carefully and do not do anything to crack the ice or you will die - very coldly" ...this guy is obviously deaf, stupid, crazy, suicidal or, perhaps all 4 combined.
Even his dogs look worried.
Kiev: A Snowflake Wrapped in an Icicle Inside an Iglue
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My 'block'
The C-c-c-c-old!
After whingeing on about the cold earlier in the winter, I feel like the ‘boy who cried wolf’ but, seriously – the last cold snap was nothing. If that cold was a wolf, then it was still a puppy and this weekend it just turned into a man-eating werewolf. It’s -20 something and set to hit -25 to -30 tomorrow. It beautiful to watch because it’s sunny and crystal clear but it ain’t funny once you’re out there. I (dressed in pants, long-johns, two pairs of sock, a t-shirt, shirt and jumper + big jacket and ridiculously large furry hat) attempted to go take pictures today and it went something like this
“whooooooooooahhhhh shiiiiiite”
“my cheeks!”
“fuck this” (yes, it's necessary to swear)
...and then I aborted the mission and went back home, with some seriously rosie-cheeks and drank some tea. Oh, but I have learnt to walk like a Penguin. It’s the only way to stay on your feet in this weather. There’s no John Wayne style swaggering in Kiev these days – we’re all focused on the floor and waddling like arctic birds.
It's so cold, the Dnipro River is frozen solid... so I went and stood on it :-)
Ice Babushkas; the not-so-mythical ice maidens of Ukraine
It seems that the only people working to clear the snow here in Kiev are large tough-looking old ladies. Even at midnight on Christmas day they were at it!
Of course, I’m glad that, at least someone is making an effort but surely that’s a man's job!? or better - a tractors job. Sending granny out to sweep the streets in sub zero temperatures seems a little harsh to me.
Maybe next year the city authorities will have a go.
I took this picture...
Then fell flat on back in the middle of the road and, in the process, took this picture
Ukrainian Optimism - The ‘Fast Tram’
haha…
Either Kiev city maps were written by tortoises or in doublespeak.
ELDR Meeting, Moldova, December 18th 2009
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 As I arrived in Moldova, by train from Kiev, the two feet of snow that had fallen over the previous two days had stacked travel chaos on top of Moldova's political and financial crises. As a result, our meeting/conference took place with a limited number of foreign attendees (me being the only one that I know of) and without it’s key speaker Mr Christian Busoi MEP who was unable to reach Chisinau from Bucharest in Moldova.
However, those who managed to arrive made good use of the opportunity to explore some of the challenges facing Moldova and offer their opinions on Moldova’s future and possible EU integration. The attendees had been invited from the different groups in the Liberal coalition government and was mostly (although not entirely) made up of young Moldovans who were eager to see change in Moldova and a rapid move towards EU integration.
Discussions touched on different areas of reform in Moldova and gave a good insight into the differences in attitudes that continue to complicate progress. For example, when someone suggested that politicians should re-connect with the voters and travel to work on a bus as normal citizens must, another delegate thought this would be unacceptable as (presumably) he ascribed to the belief that political office grants you status and a certain degree of privilege. We heard how many young people seek change whilst others working in the large Moldovan civil service are happy to vote for the communists because a vote for change may mean they have to do more work! We also heard an interesting story of a project that ran with the help of the British Embassy. Various farming standards, rules and procedures were introduced to help Moldovans sell their products abroad and the project seemed to be going well until the procedures were audited some time later. It soon became apparent that, on paper, the procedures existed but in reality none of them were followed. The need to do so or the benefits of them had clearly been lost on those who stood to benefit from them.
This institutionalised indifference to rules and procedures isn’t unique to Moldova, it’s a hangover from years of communism. However it needs to be addressed and doing so is no easy task. Proper enforcement of rules (where bribery is not the answer to everything) and proven results will help but, ultimately it will require a change in attitudes and mentalities and this will take a lot longer.
As is the case in Ukraine, the words ‘European’ and ‘Western’ are synonymous in Moldova with ‘better’ or ‘high standard’ and (as is usually the case in the EU institutions) the words ‘Europe' and 'European’ were used (unhelpfully) to refer to the EU.
The problem I have with this is that, it creates the idea of a unified set of ‘European’ values that doesn’t exist and in referring to the subset of European countries as ‘Europe’ implies that those who have been refused entry are not European. It creates an unhelpful ‘us’ and ‘them’ inside one continent.
It was clear throughout the discussions in Chisinau that there is a deep appetite for reform and a shift in values from the corrupt and morally bankrupt Soviet era to a system that is open, transparent, and fair. However, the values sought are universal values – they are not ‘European’ and they certainly don't exist across all EU countries and, whilst administrative and legal reform are important, they will not bring an immediate change in social attitudes. A Romanian and an Italian may share linguistic roots (and EU membership) but they do not share some special EU values that are alien to Moldova.
If Moldovans are to be successful in joining the EU they need urgent administrative and legal reforms which will only work if they are enforced and supported with sound law enforcement. They must do this to satisfy the EU institutions who, in turn must convince the existing members to support Moldovan membership. If Moldovans want social reform then they must do this for themselves as the EU cannot and should not attempt to create a society.
Sadly, the 'meat' (in the form of MEP Given Christian Busoi) was missing from the meeting and so we didn't get a deeper insight into the EU thinking on Moldovan membership or indeed any official insight into Romanian efforts to support Moldova. Also, as the time frame for the conference was just one day we obviously couldn't touch on every issue relating to the EU/Moldova however, the most obvious topic that wasn’t on the agenda was the issue of Transnistria. Without a serious and workable solution to the problem of Transnistria – I can’t see how any amount of legal and administrative reform will lead to EU membership.
When I left Moldova in April, the city had just experienced a failed election and mass street protests and violence and the police had resorted to heavy handed tactics of arbitrary arrest and violence. There was an uneasy feeling of gloom as even my proudest Moldovan friends decided that they wanted to leave if the Communists increased the use of force to remain in power. One successful (fair and non-violent) election and eight months later and a lot has changed. Moldova is still poor and life is undoubtedly hard but, progress is being made, reforms are taking place quickly and the international institutions (IMF, World Bank, EU etc) are all using the change from communist to Liberal government as a ‘window of opportunity’.
I hope the window stays open long enough to see real progress in Moldova. Change is happening but without continued (and enhanced) solidarity from other European countries (both EU and non EU-members) things could easily slip backwards. Once Moldova shakes of the real winter, there is no reason why it can’t shake off the political and economic freeze as well. Thankfully, it now has new EU member and increasingly influential neighbour – Romania. If Moldova can model its reform on the Baltic states or indeed Romania, the EU should be willing to extend it's support and, if you ever need an example of how EU membership can bring enhanced prestige and confidence, stand on the Moldovan or Ukrainian border and look at Romania.
IB
PS, As Moldova is currently in grid-lock over the issue of electing a President, a number of options are available. 1. Another election (leaving the change that the communist party may be re-elected) 2. A change to the rules to allow Parliament to elect a president with a simple majority or; 3. A constitutional change to have a directly elected President. Given the situation in Ukraine, I have serious reservations about the third option. Whilst it may break the deadlock in the short-term, the move to a directly elected President in this part of the world may simple serve to guarantee the future political influence of the richest Oligarchs - i.e. those with the money to stand as President.